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We'll wait for it, pray for it, step on the brakes till we're over it, under it

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bodacious... Dec. 21st, 2004 @ 12:33 am

hey guys, this is probably going to be my last post on this journal, I'v got a new one:excarpx4ta

add me if you wish, so long, byyi, sees ya, lub out, and all that fun stuff

Current Mood: hopefulhopeful
Current Music: Yelling in my ear

I just heard the voice of wisdom... it was laughing hysterically, and needed a shower Dec. 18th, 2004 @ 05:47 pm



Barcodes Sex Puppets....



drug me

Screaming like bombs for it.... Dec. 18th, 2004 @ 09:04 am
Despite all, I went to the show last night, I wasent even planning on going, Judy gave me 10 dollars, and came to my house with her.. "boyfriend". For a change, I actually wanted to stay home, but oh well.. I wish that kayla could have come. I wanted to go to her house so badly, but we didnt have any gas money...

my fucking father wants me to burn him 6 cds, and he wants them all by 9:30... its breaking my burner doing it so fast, and its not working right now. It screwed up 4 valuable blank cds so far. But of course, hes jumping on my back about it, and accusing me of yelling at him, when I cant even talk, my throat hurts so fucking bad... Last night, I must have... licked the wrong thing or something, cuz my tongue is so swollen.

ugh... I havent even slept yet, I'm not tired either... I just want to go crawl up somewhere, with my cd player and drug myself





Current Mood: cynicalcynical
Current Music: AFI- God Called In Sick Today

Dec. 17th, 2004 @ 04:03 pm
I'm just a social blast

I know the feeling.. of life stealing... out from under me. Dec. 15th, 2004 @ 01:28 pm
Today was my first day back to school, and I could barley make it the whole day. Besides the headache, stomach virus, and stuffy nose, my sore throat has made me practically loose my voice. I caught the germ on friday, when I was at marks house, we were only outside playing in the freezing rain for 8 hours >_>. I really want to talk to kayla... Its been almsot 5 days since we last talked, and that was a rushed conversation due to the fact I was being pushed to get off the phone by my parents. So much stuff has happened, and she is the only person I want to talk to right now... that usually how it is anyway(*~lube out~*)
My cat ate my headphones...
this is the third pair this month that has broke.. fuck fuck fuck, I dont know where I'm going to get the money for a new set, It really made me mad though... they were a replacement from the ones my mother broke a few months ago. All the other ones, I had bought myself. I found a flyer for the show this morning in the hallway, and I was surprised to know that it is actually in monroe this week. Tiffany stole it from me however, so she can show her mom that there actually is a show, and shes not going out to have sex and smoke like they accused her of last time.
err.. not much going on at the moment...
I got asked to go to a show with Butters, but I dont know..
I was asked to go to jens house also afterschool, but I didnt want to...
wow, maybe I'm becoming anti-social?
no... that would be impossible..because that means you hate people, and you have no friends, and you dont talk.. and trust me... when I'm around my friends, I never shut up. well.. when I'm in a good mood atleast.
dude... I miss shuanna W.G.M.A.T.A.T.S.(if you would my dear)

oh yeah.. I knew there must be something interesting to talk about:
me and teresa are going after christmas break to pierce ourselfs in "more noticeable" places
should be fun, except teabag will probably rip it out, for revenge on when I made him lick a wooden table, and his tongue ring got stuck.

well yeah...
I feel like crap..


I think i'll go...


drown myself in hair dye.
Current Music: Agnostic Front- Riot, Roit, Upstart
Other entries
» Three cans of beer, two bottles of wine, and one chance at living.
Today was just wierd...
three cups of coffee and still no energy.
Yesterday was good however, ups and downs though.

I made a cd, its pretty good


in other news:
I got a hottopic gift card, I'v always wanted one.
now I can dye my hair blue and get various body rings.


I want shuanna and kay to come up... I miss them terribly


Barcode, please complete this sentence:
"punk can kiss my"....


now I'm off... This bores me
» chrome buttons, buckles and leather surfaces....these and other lucky witnesses
...Hummm....
things are kinda fucked at the moment.
To start out...
School is fucking boring as hell...
I was defiantly in my own little world from period 3 and on..and... I liked it... I'm going back tomorrow.
Well lunch was the best part of the day.. We had a spitball fight, that resulted in Mark knocking over the tower of milk, and me and Tiffany running for our lifes, while we left Spits(the kid) sitting in wonder as usual.
Fuck, we all had this plan for the show tomorrow, then I find out its been moved to greenwood lake, and then one
of my friends in a band says that its been canceled, so I was forced to go around and ask every fucking person if its on. Kayla, Shuanna, Liz, Tiff, Jamie, Me, and various other people, all had a plan to get completely wasted at the park at midnight tomorrow, and now, we cant even do that because its not in monroe.
Everything Is all mixed up, I'm skipping and going to lunch 10th tomorrow, I promised tiff I would, when we were talking for exactly 137 minutes and 45 seconds.
Marks dad can take us there and back, but liz is going and then that would mean me and tiff would be sitting with them all day with her drooling over Mark. Poor kids obsessed with him.
Now shaunna cant come over, and kay can probably on the 17th,



It all depends on what happens tomorrow...




"ICP rocks the Co-Sock"

That was a pointless update, but what the fuck..
I'm bored
» I will wrap this world this world in cold... nothing is ready for me
I havent been online for a few days.. I'm getting pretty sick of this journal, I like my other names better, but they must never be found. I'm starting to really dislike people... I've only ever wanted to be close to two people, but I wont get into that shit now, its been filled on my other names. I'm getting tired of fighting all the time with my parents. Its not about stupid little things like not being able to go out or not getting this or that.. its about major things, like me being alive, which is more important than anything else, at least thats what I think... I could be wrong. I had to go into a church yesterday, I felt so bad, I have sinned so many times, even though I'm sure in school I seem like the perfect little freak, who would never hurt anyone... God, I hate it when Im just judged like that. I remember seeing Erics face light up when my family walked in to the church, right in the middle of his solo, we made him so happy, he's such a good person, I just hope and prey that his disease doesnt get the better of him. I will admit that I do believe in A god, so many people have had experiences with him that it has called to my attention. My car hit an animal yesterday.. it was the first time I ever experienced that... of course, my father blamed his death on me.. A long story happened yesterday, but I dont think that the death was my fault. My mother got very sick yesterday.. all of a sudden, she started throwing up and hacking.. I ran to get her water and when I came back outside of the church... all I saw was her.. nothing else, just her tall black coat and her bandanna, everything else froze.. I do love my mother, and if anything ever happened to her, I dont know what I'd do.
She's worked all her life to pay for me and my sister to eat and have clothes, and I feel so terrible, when I look back on all those things I shunned her for not getting me.. this toy, or that cd or those pants or that necklace... Shes worked her life away behind a dest at AT&T... Most of that to pay for the double morgage on the house she never wanted to buy, and the hundreds of thousands of dollars in gambling debts my father ows. She at least wanted to OWN a house.. but then my father had to put more and more morgaged on it, all to pay for his fucking debts.. and hes still fucking doing it.
I was begging my mother for a camera and contact lenses this year, in hope to have a christmas in Florida with my REAL family, without my father, who doesnt fly. But then I find out today that the airline she had made a ticket on has gone bankrupt.. how convenient.
She's been making me take italian for three years now, I havent passed it yet, But she wont allow me to drop it, so I have decided.. I will stay after school and at least TRY for it... I want to make her at least alittle happy. There has been a trip to italy.. which is another reason why I havent dropped it yet, but every year it gets canceled, or something happens which I cant go, and this year it was finally time, but my mother needs the money saved to help pay for my sister new house.. Its okay though, I'll be living there soon enough.
All my father does is just push and push her, until she has nothing left..
He's now yelling at ME to get a job, but in reality, I'm just a 14 year old girl, when hes 51, and hasn't worked a day for 45 years.

But I want to get a job.. a friend of mine who owns a farm is looking for help, and I could get some money to buy my own food and my own clothes and my own contacts, and pay for my own shows. I don't want to ask her for anything else. she's done enough


I just want to go to sleep now.. and drown myself in my music, but unfortunately, I don't have any batteries for my cd player, so it looks like I wont be sleeping for another night.

~/*/that freak/*/~
» (No Subject)
I'm so fucking pissed off.. I wrote a really emotional entry about today, and it somehow got deleted.. ugh, will I ever do anything right..

it was about how I got into a huge fight this morning, and my anti-social day, and how everyone needs to grow up...but fuck it, I dont even feel like typing anymore
» This is the result of an intoxicated pregnancy
I'm doing it again
I'm pushing people away, just as they are trying to help me, I'm turning them down, and becoming cold. I'm not paying attention to anything, I know I should, But it just lost its interest... or maybe I just don't care
its always the same...
one good thing happens, which is taken away
a bad thing happens, It Stays Forever
And I try to work around the bad thing, In hopes for a better thing.. but It doesn't come, and deep down inside, I'v always known it would happen...
I'm gonna stop now.. cause I know if I kept going, no one would understand this.

all hopes are gone
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